Now It's War
by I-Love-Snape
Summary: It all started as a game. Just a way to vent their frustration with the professor who was determined to make all other Gryffindor's lives miserable. It's not like they would ever act on it...Right? A 'Annoying Snape' tale. Ch 10 up!
1. Prologue

A/N: This is my first fanfic, so I apologize in advance for its lack of expertise. This is based on the 101 ways to annoy Snape list (although I know my weird and twisted mind has also used other people's stories as influence). I'd love to hear from any of you who have ideas to annoy Snape and will definitely give you credit if I use them. : D Please Review and I appreciate constructive criticism, however, mindless flames will only be used to roast marshmallows and make smores. You have now been warned :D   
  
Prologue  
  
It all started as a game. Nothing more, just a way to vent their frustration with the odious bat of a professor who was determined to make their and all other Gryffindor's lives miserable. It's not like they would ever act on it. But after an especially vile insult, or perhaps a 4-hour detention, it was nice to write down ways that they could inflict torture and imagine it in their minds, even if it wasn't possible in reality. I mean, come on, it's not as if they were going to turn Snape into a white fluffy bunny and give him to Hagrid. They weren't really going to charm his hair into a giant poof ball of fuzz. No way that emptying all the ingredients out of his office cabinet would ever actually be done. But it was still nice to picture it. It was only a game. 


	2. How Dare He!

CRASH! Harry and Ron both sighed as they collected their screeching chess pieces. That was the third time tonight that Crookshanks had ambushed their game.  
  
"That cat is daft," Ron grouched as he rescued a pawn from Crookshanks paws. "This happens every time Hermione isn't here. She's the only one he'll listen to! Where is she anyway? It's almost midnight!"  
  
"Go on, SCAT!" Harry ordered.  
  
Crookshanks looked up imperiously at them and sauntered away indignantly. There was plenty of attention to be had in the girls' dorm, so to the girls' dorm he would go.  
  
Harry groaned. "Sorry mate, but we both know it's not Mione's fault she got detention. If Snape weren't such a disagreeable bat he wouldn't have given it to her. All she did was try to help him. It wasn't she who put a mistake on the board."  
  
"Yes, I know Harry. That git. I don't see why Hermione defends him. I mean, sure he's in the Order, and Dumbledore trusts him and all, but all he does is..."  
  
BOOM! It seemed it was a night for loud noises. Hermione came storming through the portrait hole, and even with the near dark of the common room they could tell she was fuming. Harry and Ron exchanged 'the look'; neither had to caution the other. After six years with Mione, they knew that tonight was one of those 'stay clear or die' nights. Hermione was muttering under her breath, they couldn't quite catch it, but parts of it sounding suspiciously like, "insufferable...sarcastic git...how dare he...that...intolerable...overgrown bat...unendurable...detestable slug of a..."  
  
"Uh, Hermione?" Ron started, "Are you ok?"  
  
"What?!" she snapped, "Oh, yes, sorry Ron. It's just...he...that...ARGH! All I tried to do was point out that the potion should be stirred counter-clockwise for twenty-seven seconds instead of twenty-six. He's the one always announcing that the slightest, minute; detail could make the difference between a harmless or fatal potion, but when it's his own mistake, oh no! Of course! Our dear, estimable, perfect Potions Master is above reproof! Then he berates me for noticing, when really he should be rewarding my attention, and then, on top of it all, he gave me a D on my moonstone essay! 'Miss Granger, if I wanted to know the year the moonstone was discovered or how many alchemists it took before the uses of it were discovered, I would have asked for such information. All I wanted to know was the ability of moonstone in strengthening and fortifying weak potions.' AAARRRGGGHH! That...that...how dare he! To think! Berating a student for doing extra research! He is completely and utterly unreasonable!"  
  
Having finished her tirade, Hermione flopped into her seat gasping, her face red from lack of breathing. The boys sat there for a moment, neither daring to move lest the oh so innocent looking bomb that was Hermione Granger exploded.  
  
"Shall I go get the list then Mione?" Ron finally asked, ready to dive for cover should Hermione need further indirect revenge against Snape.  
  
A small smile began turning up the corners of Hermione's mouth. The list. Ah, the list! How could she not have seen it before? A few modifications would be needed of course...  
  
"Yes Ron. I think that the list is a superb idea."  
  
A/N: Yes, yes. I know it's a short chapter. I promise to try and make the next one longer. This is just a nice place to end. READ AND REVIEW! PPPLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE! 


	3. List of Snape's Doom

This chapter is dedicated to Daintress and Kyra Invictus Black as my first  
reviewers. :D love you guys!  
  
Disclaimer: Oops! I forgot the disclaimer in my previous chapter. Please don't eat me! *Cringes in fear* I own nothing but the plot. And not even all of that. Most of the pranks are borrowed also, but a few of them are my  
own brain-children.  
  
Chapter 2  
Hermione woke up the next morning tired but pleased. She had stayed up a couple of hours after the boys had gone to bed, working on the list. Most of the ideas on it were childish and unrealistic, but several of them were workable and she had added a couple more of her own, and now had the list down from its original 172 to a more doable 50. They still might not get completely through it, but it was still going to be fun giving Snape back some of his own. 'Hmm, perhaps Fred and George might even think of a few more things too.I'll have to ask them.'  
  
With this happy thought a very contented Hermione went to breakfast to fill in the boys. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "But, but, Hermione! You can't be serious!" Ron was having a little difficulty believing that follow-the-rules, don't-talk-back-to-teachers, chew-with-your-mouth-closed-for-heaven's-sake Hermione was proposing that they prank, of all people!, Snape!  
  
They were sitting at breakfast in the Great Hall, Harry and Ron both still staring open-mouthed. 'At least Ron can still articulate, that's a good sign. Harry won't be too hard to convince.' Hermione thought. "Oh for heaven's sake you two! You'd think we were facing Voldemort" Ron shuddered but Harry remained unresponsive "himself the way you're behaving!"  
  
"Well You-Know-Who isn't here to get us expelled! He is, and you KNOW THAT HE'S JUST WAITING FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO."  
  
"RON!" Hermione yelped, clapping a hand over his mouth "SHUT UP! Do you want him to hear?! Look, we'll talk about this later. I have no desire to be expelled so we have to plan this carefully. We don't want to be overheard, so we'll meet in the Room of Requirement after dinner."  
  
Ron growled but said nothing and they finished breakfast in silence. Hermione was finished first and headed off to Arithmancy while Harry and Ron went to Care of Magical Creatures a few minutes later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
At Dinner  
  
Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin  
  
Slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'  
  
Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.  
  
Set his robes on fire.  
  
Ponder aloud on the color of his underwear (preferably when you know he's close by, but he doesn't know you know.)  
  
Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent  
  
In the Halls  
  
Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'  
  
Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.  
  
Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.  
  
Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.  
  
'Finite Incantatem' his robes with lots of witnesses. Say you were just wondering if he charmed them to billow like that.  
  
As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?  
  
When he looks like he's about to snap at someone, yell, "Sic' em, Snape!" Run.  
  
Whisper to people and point at him, whenever he is likely to see you.  
  
Keep a water pistol handy. Use it whenever the time seems right.  
  
Personal Contact/Hygiene  
  
Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.  
  
Draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.  
  
Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale  
  
Ask for his autograph.  
  
Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run  
  
Throw your arms around him on random occasions  
  
Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.  
  
Tackle him while under the invisibility cloak  
  
Ask him how old he is.  
  
'How's that rash healing up, Professor?  
  
Hide in his office and giggle until he finds you  
  
Skip up to him in the halls, spin him around with you while singing annoying song, flee.  
  
Owls  
  
Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.  
  
Send him Valentines in February  
  
Send him Valentines in November  
  
Subscribe to unlikely magazines in his name  
  
Send him a howler. 'Severus Snape! What WOULD your mother think?'  
  
'Pity about that Dark Arts job, a real pity....'  
  
Owl him your results from those awful tests in really girlie magazines. Regularly  
  
Every article written about Harry since he survived Voldemort and an autographed photo of Harry from Colin's collection.  
  
In Class  
  
Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it?  
  
Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'  
  
Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'  
  
Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.  
  
Write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions  
  
When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!'  
  
Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers  
  
Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion  
  
Drool in your potion.  
  
When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.  
  
When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.  
  
Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it.  
  
Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.  
  
Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!  
  
When he calls on you in class, look stunned, stutter and garble some nonsense - then fall out of your seat.  
  
When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.  
  
Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class  
  
At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.  
  
During a quiet moment in potions, leap onto your desk, point at him and shout 'Where were you on the night of February the 21st, 1946?!'  
  
General Annoyance  
  
Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next.  
  
Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.  
  
Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart  
  
Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. )  
  
Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.  
  
Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'  
  
Smile at him. All the time.  
  
Charm the walls to sing Christmas carols outside his door. Do not cease singing until dawn. Do this in April  
  
Scheme loudly about him in the library. When you know he's behind the nearest shelf  
  
Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'  
  
Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place  
  
Throw a Mad-Eye Moody at him at random quiet moments. 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the Room of Requirement later that day, Harry and Ron stared at the 'New and Improved List of Annoying Tricks/Pranks/Schemes to pull on Snape' in silence for a good ten minutes. "Well," Harry started, "it certainly looks.promising Hermione. I still think some of these would be hard to pull off, but it has potential.are you sure about this?"  
  
"Of course I am! Think about it! We've put up with that greasy git for six years, we deserve to get some our own back! It's our last year, we're entitled to have some fun! We'll plan it carefully and have plenty of time for studying and Quidditch. What do you say? Harry?"  
  
Harry pondered the list for another moment, then grinned across their small table at her. "Just so long as I'm not the one who has to propose to him." He looked a bit startled at her squeal of excitement but kept grinning, Hermione's enthusiasm was contagious.  
  
Both turned to Ron, Hermione hopeful - Harry confidant. Ron sighed, but then laughed. "Who am I to stand in the way of brilliance? But there is definitely no way I'm proposing to Snape, so if that happens it's going to have to be you Hermione."  
  
"Deal!"  
  
A/N: Ok everyone, what pranks are your favorites? Vote and tell me you're top two from each category and we'll see which pranks get covered! R/R! 


	4. First Strike

This chapter is dedicated to Captain Crabs, my inspiration of all things goofy, unlikely, and just plain stupid.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I own my computer, some books, and a pair of fuzzy socks, but nothing in the story that you recognize is mine.  
  
A/N: Hi everyone! I'm sorry I haven't updated. I've been having a lot of trouble with my computer. I've had Ezula, Kaza, and EIGHT!, count 'em, EIGHT viruses! Anyway, just in case you guys were wondering, I am alive and I'll do my best to get my   
  
updates out faster. So, I've been thinking, should this turn into a romance between Hermy and Snape? Also, I've been fiddling with the idea of a 'Harry annoys the Dursleys' story. Let me know. As always, please read and review.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Date: Friday, September 19th, birthday of one Severus Snape.   
  
Time: 1230 hours.   
  
Mission: Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
"Her-MIO-nee! Please! I don't want to be the one to hug Snape, I'll end up with grease spots!" wailed Ron. Or rather, tried to wail, it was more of a pathetic whine. "Why do I have to do it? Why can't you do it? Please? I'll swap you another task, promise."  
  
"Ron! Oh, fine. But don't think for a minute that I'm going to let you wriggle out of all of these, you can't annoy Snape without coming into some sort of contact with him you know."  
  
Lunch was beginning to wind down and several people had already left, but Snape was still sitting determinedly at the Head Table. Hermione wouldn't have been surprised if he had somehow found out about their 'mission' and was deliberately trying to provoke them. Oh well, the longer he waited the fewer people would be in the halls. She might be all for annoying Snape, but complete humiliation could wait awhile in her opinion. She continued talking with the boys, watching Snape out of the corner of her eye. Unfortunately the boys were much less subtle, craning their heads around to look at him every three seconds. He had obviously noticed since he was glaring at them. 'Don't come this way, don't come this way, don't come this way…'   
  
Just then Neville, walking nearby to leave the Great Hall, tripped…falling right on top of Parvati, who screamed and flailed her arms, which knocked over a pitcher of cream, which of course doused Ron, causing him to leap to his feet and bump the table, upsetting his pumpkin juice into Harry's plate. And Snape had disappeared. 'Oh, this is bad. This is very bad. This is very very bad.' It got worse.   
  
"Well, well, well, Longbottom's incompetence strikes yet again. Tell me Longbottom, were you honestly born the most awkward lout ever to call themselves a wizard, or do you do it only to annoy me?" Oh could that voice get any deadlier? 'He would sneak up behind me'. Everyone was completely frozen; staring at Snape, clearly hoping that some angel would descend from heaven and save them with an answer, or perhaps a demon. Anything would be better than Professor Snape in this mood.   
  
Hermione turned painfully slow, and looked up…into Snape's face. He was standing in all his malevolent glory. Sweeping black robes, covering everything but head and hands; greasy black hair 'although, up close it really doesn't look as greasy…' she thought absently; long hooked beak, NOSE, I meant nose; unnaturally pale skin, as if he'd crawled out of a hole somewhere; black angry eyes that seemed to burn right through you; and, oh yeah, can't forget that extremely malicious sneer that makes you want to curl up and hide for the rest of your life.  
  
Taking a quick inventory Hermione could see that the Great Hall was almost completely empty. True, everyone left was staring at the unlucky Gryffindors, but really, it could be worse. She realized Snape was still talking "…so I think another ten points for unnecessarily ruined food, which adds up to a total of forty-two points. Have I forgotten anything?" Now or never. Hermione raised her hand, a little timidly, and gulped. "Yes Miss Granger, has the great brain of Hogwarts remembered another crime against the peace of our fair hall?" 'Sarcastic son of a…*cough* be nice Hermione, he's still your Professor.' "Well Miss Granger?"  
  
"Sir, I… I… I'mreallysorryandpleasedon'ttakeanypointsbecauseDumbledoregavemestrictinstructionsand"  
  
"MISS GRANGER! Kindly use your articulators and attempt to sound intelligent!" Oops.  
  
She took a deep breath, and started again, more slowly. "I'm sorry sir, I suppose I was nervous. I was trying to say that I've been given strict instructions from Professor Dumbledore so please don't take points or be angry with me."  
  
"I'm having difficulty believing that the Headmaster, whatever else he may order you to do, gave you instructions to completely disrupt my lunch Miss Granger."  
  
"No sir, not that, this." She stepped up and gave him his hug, 'Mmm, he smells like Jojoba, I wonder if he was using it in a potion…wait a minute! I cannot be smelling Snape! Gross!' She stepped back quickly, saying "Happy Birthday Professor!" and fled the Hall, leaving a stunned and open-mouthed Potions Master behind her.  
  
The entire Great Hall was deathly still, staring at the gaping educator. He was still staring in the direction that Hermione had disappeared, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. Suddenly Ron broke the spell by piping up "How old are you anyhow Professor?"  
  
Snape's mouth snapped shut audibly, as giggles and snickers started filtering into his consciousness. Then he turned to Ron and said with his silkiest smooth voice said, "Another thirty points from Gryffindor I think, Mr. Weasley, and please inform Miss Granger of her detention with me. I shall expect her tomorrow after breakfast."   
  
"But it's Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow!" Harry burst out; "she can't miss the first one of the year!" At Snape's glare Harry seemed to remember to whom he was talking and paled. "I…I…S-sorry Sir."   
  
Snape glided away, leaving the boys to figure out how to tell Hermione. "He never did answer the question. I guess he must be old, huh?" said Ron. Harry just glared at him.  
  
~ ~ ~   
  
"You what?!" Hermione yelped. Ron paled visibly and hurried to try to explain but was interrupted by Hermione's…laughter? A glance at Harry showed that he was also completely at a loss as to why Hermione would be literally gasping for breath from laughter at the news that he had gotten her a detention. "Oh, oh, he, ha! Oh! I wish I could have seen his face! Hahahahaha!" Another glance between the boys - yep, Hermy had definitely lost it.  
  
"Uh, Mione? Are you ok?" Harry tried to get her attention but she was still giggling. "What do we do? Do you think we should take her to the infirmary?" he whispered to Ron. "Maybe she's having hysterics, my mum had that one time when Fred and George charmed the clock to look like dad was in mortal peril." Harry winced, he was glad he had missed that particular Weasley family incident. By the look on Ron's face Ron must have been wishing he'd been elsewhere too.  
  
Hermione finally got control of herself and grinned at the confused duo. "Don't you see? He's giving me detention! He's playing right in our hands, so to speak. It's the perfect opportunity to play some more tricks. You two can go to Hogsmeade and see Fred and George and ask if they have any good tricks we could use. It's perfect!" she ended, and laughed again at their dawning comprehension.   
  
With Snape stuck in the castle with Hermione, he wouldn't be able to chaperone the Hogsmeade trip, and that meant he wouldn't be able to spy on them! The three friends now wore identical evil grins; Hermione's laughter seemed to have scared any fellow Gryffindor's out of the common room, and there were going to be thousands of rumors speculating whether or not 'the Brain' had lost it, but oh well.   
  
Avoiding complete humiliation is so over-rated anyway - this was payback time. 


	5. War of Two Brainiacs and some sidekicks

This Chapter is Dedicated to my dear reviewer Crystal56 :D  
  
Disclaimer: I own a bike, not a Porsche. Ergo, I am not J.K. Rowling.  
  
A/N: Ok, I'm having a good time, aren't you? I know this update is really quick, but while my computer is working, I'm taking advantage, because I never know when it may konk out again. :D I hope you all like and (you know the drill people) R&R.  
  
Crystal56: Don't worry, I'm starting out slow, but teddy bear is coming soon! When do you think I should turn his nose into a beak? (See in story)  
  
And now (drum roll please!)...  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Life was strange. People had always told her she was crazy for taking her work seriously, but now they thought she was crazy because she was having a little fun. True, she had hugged Snape, but that did NOT in any way make her mentally deficient. Ok, maybe a little nutty but nothing too serious! She was glad everyone was going to Hogsmeade and she could stay behind, it was truly amazing how fast rumors spread at Hogwarts. She had even overheard a 5th year Hufflepuff telling a Ravenclaw 6th year that SHE, Hermione Anne Granger – the Brain, had a CRUSH on SNAPE! Of all the insane accusations that had to be the worst...and the most humiliating. She took back that whole "she doesn't care about humiliation because it's payback" thing. That was before she'd heard that.  
  
"Miss Granger, as interesting as that spot on the wall is, it is not necessary for cleaning cauldrons so it really should not be taking up so much of your time. Miss Granger? Miss Granger? What the devil is that the matter with you?"  
  
Ah. Simply staring at him blankly was doing wonders. Amazing how such a simple thing could bother her professor so much. It wasn't on the list, but spontaneity was the spice of life.  
  
"Are you finished Miss Granger? Miss Granger? Are you feeling well?" Oh revenge was sweet. He was looking distinctly uncomfortable and seemed almost, well, concerned really. It was a very disconcerting expression when seen on Snape's face. "Ahem, yes, I'll just check your work shall I?" Was she actually making him nervous? Incredible!  
  
"MISS GRANGER!" Snape shouted, "I don't know what world you're currently visiting, but that will be 50 points from Gryffindor and another days detention on Monday evening!"  
  
Hermione jumped, then, deciding to play up her advantage, fell out of her seat, staring up at Snape. She stuttered and actually managed to tear up a little. "I won't kill Kenny...I love my spiders but...playdough is his favorite color except vomit but Ron doesn't know that Free Willy escaped and ran off with Flipper and Roxanne, and Zeus was heartbroken but David didn't care because I don't care and he's just insensitive and wonderful and so I ate the last bagel and...and...I don't know what to do!" She wailed on the last bit; really between wails, tears, sniffles, and run-on sentences she was quite pleased with herself.  
  
Snape stared at her in astonishment for a moment, his eyes unreadable. She almost thought she'd scored a victory before he smirked - never a good sign. "You know Miss Granger, I don't believe you know who you're dealing with. Why a formerly halfway intelligent creature like you would drop everything in a pathetic attempt to annoy me is beyond comprehension. I can only assume that you have finally given in to your subconscious Gryffindor need for stupidity and irresponsibility. Unfortunately, I cannot expel you for your behavior. As of yet. However," his voice took a decidedly dangerous tone, "I will not stand back and allow this degrading conduct. I will be watching you Miss Granger, and your friends."  
  
Hermione gulped. She had never heard Snape sound so malicious, even with Harry. 'Come on Hermione, you're a Gryffindor, be brave!' she thought firmly. She forced herself to look Snape in the eyes and couldn't contain her wince. His eyes seemed angry, cruel, and...amused? Was it possible? 'He's enjoying this!'  
  
At this particular revelation she lifted her chin and said firmly "I'm sorry professor, but I don't know what you mean. Are the cauldrons not clean enough? Is something wrong?" She could have sworn his lip twisted at that, but it was probably her imagination.  
  
Snape smirked, oh how she hated that. It made her feel like she had been completely outwitted. And nobody outwitted Hermione Granger. "Well Miss Granger, I can't recall having said anything to you since you arrived. It seems you've been hallucinating. Perhaps we should visit Madam Pomfrey. I'll escort you." And with that he swept to the door, holding it open for her. 'Bloody hell! Madam Pomfrey will definitely take his word over mine, I'll probably be in the infirmary for a week.'  
  
She met Snape's gaze once again and made a point of raising an eyebrow and lifting her chin. "Very well Professor, if you insist. Lead the way." His pleased sneer confirmed that he knew what was going on. 'So, challenge offered, challenge accepted. All right Severus Snape, we'll play your game. Then we'll play mine. But we both know you won't get me expelled.'  
  
"Don't be so sure Miss Granger," he whispered in her ear, "I'm very good at games. And no, you didn't say that out loud." Flourishing his robes, he once again took the lead. 'God, I hate that man!'  
  
"Oh poor dear," came Madam Pomfrey's voice, "where is she Severus?" Hogwarts matron came bustling out into the hallway, caught Hermione by the hand and pulled her into the infirmary and onto a bed. "Hallucinations! Dear heavens above! Well, don't worry child. I'll have you fixed up soon enough. Here now, eat your chocolate," handing Hermione an enormous chunk of dark brown chocolate, "Poor little one. Thank you so much for bringing her Severus, she looks quite dazed. I'll go get her a relaxation potion, I imagine its stress what with N.E.W.T.s and all this year. She always works to hard." And with that she hurried off.  
  
The glare Hermione was giving Snape would have made a centaur cringe. He smirked at her and with a slight nod strode from the room. 'Oh I really, really, hate that man!'  
  
This meant war!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Hogsmeade had been great. With Hermione unable to come, Harry and Ron had more freedom than they would usually have had. First, they snuck down to the Hogshead and bought a bottle of Firewhiskey, then they shrunk it and Ron put it in his shirt pocket – just incase Hermione decided to 'check' them when they got back.  
  
Feeling emboldened by this exploit, they headed to 'Weasley's Whizzing Wonderland' to visit Fred, and maybe floo George. Ever since they had left school two years ago, the twin's joke business had boomed, eventually causing them to open another shop in Hogsmeade in addition to the original in Diagon Alley. Everyone who had heard of their exploits came to check them out, and besides that, the twins were truly brilliant when it came to inventing. Their latest gags had included Fizzy Whok – a soda- like drink that fused the mouth of the drinker shut for a full five minutes (this one was even popular with parents who wanted a little peace and quiet around home), Twiddle Dums – lemon flavored candies that made the eater's eyes cross and mouth pucker ('Trick your enemies and delight your friends!'), and Hop Pops – one lick and your bouncing for about ten seconds straight combined with a slight cheering charm ('Perfect for springing away the blues!').  
  
Fred had been delighted with the idea, ("I had no idea our little Hermy could be so despicable! That's swell, about time she had some fun!"), and had flooed George up immediately. George had also been excited, and the two masters of mischief had started searching through their tricks to find something, anything, that might be suitably cruel for Snape yet could be done at least halfway anonymously. After all, they didn't want Snape to have any proof of the evildoer's identities.  
  
"Now," George was saying as he tore through a box of experimental items, "we want to avoid anything to do with potions, no doubt whatsoever that the old bat would catch anything we slipped into his drink or food." "But," Fred continued the sentence, his voice slightly muffled as he tried to get the 'Head wrapper' ('They think it's an ordinary hat, until it won't come off') to let go of his face, "charms are another matter. We checked his test scores when we were in school, for completely innocent reasons of course, and he got an 'Exceeds Expectations' O.W.L. and only an 'Acceptable' N.E.W.T. for charms. No wonder he calls it foolish wand waving, eh?"  
  
When Harry and Ron left they had: the charm from the Hop Pops (they could use it to charm the food he was already eating and it wouldn't change the taste), a charm for changing fabric color, a fake wand that looks like his but explodes in a hundred little hearts when touched (plus each heart multiplies by five every time you try to blast them), a pink 'Head wrapper', a pink and brown teddy bear to use in the 'Chuckles' gag, and an easy curse that would change his nose into a literal beak (like a raven's). Plus tons of advice on how not to get caught. And if Fred and George had happened to slip them an extra bottle of Firewhiskey to share with Neville, Dean, and Sean, well, they weren't to blame, were they?  
  
They had spent so long with the twins that they only had about an hour left before they had to go back to the castle, so the spent it at the Three Broomsticks having butterbeer with Neville and his girlfriend Hannah Abbot, and flirting with Lavender and Parvati. Then, they all trooped back to Hogwarts and dinner.  
  
Harry and Ron weren't worried when Hermione wasn't waiting for them at the door, knowing her she was probably in the library. When she didn't come for dinner though, they began to suspect that something was up. Snape was sneering triumphantly at them from the Head Table, causing them to suspect foul play, or at the very least, something very mean and nasty. This was confirmed when, as he swept past them, he drawled "I do believe Miss Granger has missed dinner. Pity. Apparently she has not yet recovered from her stay in the infirmary. Do give her my wishes for her recuperation." With that, and a nasty sneer, he left. Leaving behind a worried Ron and furious Harry. The pair shared a glance, and with one movement had fled the table and raced for the infirmary.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Hermione's time in the infirmary hadn't been too bad. It was peaceful, quiet, and she had looks of books to read. It was also as dull as a tomb, if better furnished. She wondered when the boys would figure out where she was. 'No doubt Snape will rub it in, the ugly git.' Sure enough, she hadn't even finished her dinner-in-bed when the door burst open and Harry and Ron rushed in, tumbling all over themselves with questions. "What happened?" "What did he do?" "Are you all right?" "If he touched you I'll..." "Ugly evil git, the sna..."  
  
"Harry! Ron! I'm fine! If you two would shut up for a moment maybe I'd tell you what happened!" This shut them up quiet nicely, and they waited for her to start. "Before I tell you, I want to know what Fred and George had to say." Harry and Ron emptied their pockets of the papers with the charms and they showed her the head wrapper and wand and how they worked. They explained how the twins had figured out that charms were Snape's weak point, and the advice to avoid anything to do with potions. Then they simply stared at her, saying without words 'your turn you dummy. No more stalling.'  
  
So she told them how she had made Snape nervous by not responding to anything and how he had figured out what she was doing. How he had insulted her and then, when she snapped back at him he had brought her up to Madam Pomfrey and telling the mediwitch that she was having hallucinations. The way he had said he was 'good at games' and how she suspected it might turn into a two-way thing, but she didn't think he would get them expelled. "It would be very bad for his ego if he couldn't outsmart three seventh year Gryffindors, especially if it's us."  
  
The fact that Snape might fight back worried them all a little, but they decided to go ahead anyway. It would be more satisfying if they could outwit Snape at his own game anyway, as long as they were careful. The facts were unanimous; Snape didn't know what he was getting into. It had been quite boring since Voldemort's defeat (not that they wanted back of course) and they had plenty of energy to burn off.  
  
Let the war begin. 


	6. All for the Sake of Saliva

Disclaimer: I hope no one actually thinks that I'm J.K. Rowling, because I happen to know that my writing is no where near her standards.

A/N: I have decided to make this a neutral fic SS/HG wise. They will end the school year as somewhat closer than student/teacher – but as friends, with each having a healthy respect for the other. I will also plan on an epilogue for SS/HG shippers that will involve Hermione coming back to Hogwarts a few years after graduation and something developing then. That's the plan anyway. You never know what your characters decide to do sometimes J 

Crystal56: Thanks! I appreciate your reviews a lot. I hope this chapter is better than the last one, I wasn't entirely satisfied with # 4. I have an idea for the water-gun prank, but I won't give it away. And Chuckles is in the next chap!

Other Thanks to: SilverKnight7 – for always reviewing; Daintress – for keeping giving me a great 'proposal' idea; and all my other revers who I haven't named. Thanks everyone!

****

Chapter 5

For the next few weeks they played it casual. Hermione behaved during Monday's detention and Harry and Ron avoided Snape as much as possible. According to Hermione, this was to put Snape off his guard by letting him think that he had scared them off. Which of course he had not. Nope, not scared a bit. They were taking on the meanest teacher in school, a former Death Eater, former spy, and a Slytherin to boot. But they weren't bothered a bit. No, really!

Next item on the agenda: Harry was going to drool in his potion. If anything would tick Snape off, it would have to be that. It was Monday, four weeks and two days after 'the hallucination incident' as they called it. Potions was the first class of the day, and they were already running late because of Harry's shenanigans that morning.

*Flashback* 

"Harry mate, get up, we'll miss breakfast." Harry's only response was a groan. "Come on Harry! It's not that bad a task, after all, Mione had to hug him!" Harry pulled his pillow over his head and mumbled something that sounded like 'don' wanna go, he'll kill me'. Ron rolled his eyes and flipped Harry's comforter on the ground. "You're coming, if it's the last thing I do Harry! Hermione's done almost all the work so far and I asked Snape how old he is, it's your turn!" He grabbed Harry's feet and tried to pull him out of the bed. Unfortunately, Harry had a 

very firm grip on the headboard of his bed, resulting in a tug of war.

"Fine, be that way! I'm going to go get Hermione!" Ron turned to leave but Harry leapt to his feet at the threat and began getting dressed. "Smart man, I'd rather face an angry Snape than an angry Mione any day. Ready now? We've missed breakfast thanks to you."

"I don't think I'd be able to eat anyway Ron, I might be sick anyhow."

*End flashback*

"Well, Messieurs Potter and Weasley, what a pleasant surprise. Snape sneered as they entered. "To what do we owe this illustrious privilege? Perhaps you got lost without your friend Miss Granger to show you the way? Whatever the undoubtedly important reason, that will be 10 points each from Gryffindor."

The Slytherins all sniggered and Ron hurried to his seat, but Harry stopped and looked at Snape. 'Oh, I am so sick of this man. It is definitely beyond payback time.' Then, with a smirk that could rival Malfoy's, if not Snape's, he said "Actually sir, it wasn't anything important, I just felt that since this class is pretty much insignificant I would sleep in. Ron was late because he was trying to pull me out of bed." Forget the pin, you could have heard a _feather_ drop in the moment of silence that followed this pronouncement. Ron and several other Gryffindors were looking from Harry to Snape with mingled awe and fear, the Slytherins were for once speechless, Hermione had her face buried in her hands and the shaking of her shoulders could have been contained sobs or contained laughter. Snape was surprised for a moment, but he was most definitely NOT AMUSED.

"Well Mr. Potter, since you seem to think this class unimportant, despite your proclaimed hope of being an auror, perhaps you would like to drop it. Hmm?" Harry began to pale visibly. "No? Well then, I suggest one week of detention with Mr. Filch, a six foot essay of the importance of potions through the last one hundred years due Friday, and say, fifty points from Gryffindor." The Gryffindor half of the class groaned aloud but stopped as Snape swung around to face them.

"Now then, today we shall be making a very delicate potion, the Elixir of Grief. A Durmstrang Potions Master, Wilhiem van Homen, developed it in 1656 in the aftermath of the Goblin Wars. The Elixir's cause it to help the drinker come to terms with pain and heartache. The Ministry of Magic restricts the potion because its' uses can be turned toward the Dark if used or made improperly. Both preparation and technique must be perfect. No doubt you will all fail in this assignment, but one can always hope. I expect you to pay attention to what you're doing. If the Elixir is made to weak, it will merely refresh the pain, making it worse than before. If made to strong it will compound the grief, most often leading to insanity or suicide. Instructions are on the board and you may begin…now."

Everyone rushed to get their ingredients from the cabinet and started on their potions. Harry was paying close attention to his potion, but still kept an eye on Snape as he worked. He wanted to make sure Snape saw him drool in his elixir. 'It would be some delicate potion that we work on today. If it were Gnome Repellant or Pepper-Up Potion it wouldn't have made any difference. Sure he would still have thrown a fit, but I wouldn't have got a zero. I am so going to get Ron and Mione for this.' He looked down at his cauldron, everything seem right, consistency was good and color was deep. 'Of course, the time I'm doing a good job I have to ruin it. Argh! Oh well, he's watching me, I think…just about…now!' Keeping eye contact with Snape, he let a little spit ooze from his mouth and dribble into his potion. The effect was almost instantaneous, in more ways than one.

Snape almost literally flew over to him, pushing people aside as he came, bellowing in an incredulous voice, "POTTER! Are you insane? This potion is completely useless now! What the bloody hell is the matter with you? I knew teenage hormones could meddle with someone's mind, but never to the level of salivating all over the place! Do you…"

BOOM! The elixir exploded everywhere covering Snape completely. As he had pushed Harry out of the way and was standing between him and the potion Harry escaped, a few others were hit on the sleeves of their robes, or a little on their face, but Snape was in the direct line of fire. Everyone stared at the now ooze-covered professor. The potion's color had gone from deep blue to a vomit-like green and the texture from smooth and silky to almost cement like. Snape's entire left side and most of his right were unmovable. The only part of his face that could be seen the very tip of his nose and his glittering eyes. He looked like a creature out of the old muggle horror films, as if he had climbed out of a quagmire or perhaps was one of the walking dead. If he had not been amused before it was nothing to this. This was unadulterated wrath. He wasn't even able to talk and people were cowering.

Harry, Ron, and several others were staring at him in amazement. Hermione gasped before taking charge. "Right then, I think that this lesson is over for today so all of you get out of here unless you're helping." The room cleared quickly, Harry raced out the door and Ron tried to but "Don't you dare! Harry James Potter, you come back here! Don't even think about leaving Ronald Weasley!" Harry did not return, but Ron turned reluctantly back towards Hermione. "You will go get Madam Pomfrey please." He brightened, obviously glad not to have to stay in the room, and fled.

Hermione turned toward her statue-like teacher with a thoughtful look on her face. Snape right now didn't frighten her, he might once he was loose, but right now she had a problem to solve and she was going to solve it. "Well, I suppose the first thing to try is _Scourgify_ of course." She pointed her wand at Snape and cast the simple cleansing spell, but it had very little effect. Some of his face was now free, including his mouth - which he then began to use, cursing Harry, herself, Ron, Dumbledore, potion classes in general, teenage hormones, and several other things that she wasn't sure she wanted to know about to oblivion. Or at least, he was cursing them all until she placed a silencing charm on him. Which seemed to set him off again, but at least she didn't have to hear it. Once he had gasped for breath several times he seemed to calm somewhat, but was by no means placated. Hermione was a little pale, but she calmly pointed her wand at one of his hands an concentrated her spell just on that one place.

It seemed to work better that time. Madam Pomfrey arrived a moment later, and between the two of them he was soon free enough to move to the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey escorted him, which Hermione was glad of since the way he was glaring at her she wasn't sure she'd live very long if she was in reach once he could move quickly once more. Madam Pomfrey wasn't helping his mood any by the soft chuckling sounds she was trying to cover. 

By dinner the entire school had heard of the incident. Every one in the Great Hall was waiting for Snape to appear. He did not until the meal was almost half over; even then he tried to sneak in unobserved. He did not succeed, but then, you might have had trouble to if a potion had turned your skin and hair completely green. "He should thank me really," said Harry, "it's almost an improvement, at least he has a little color in his cheeks now."

Really it couldn't have turned out better if they'd planned it. Colin McCreevy even got a picture.

~ ~ ~ 

A very green, very haggard, and very violent Professor Severus Antonius Snape warded the door after himself in his rooms. 'Those little delinquents think that they can best me? I _will_ make them pay for this!' With an evil grin, he began to look through his potion books. 'Oh yes, they will pay. Starting with our dear Miss Hermione. Little chit. Intelligent yes, but incredibly stupid to mess with me.' He pulled down his charms too, you never know, he might be able to find something. 'No more mister nice Snape. I'm a patient man, and I know when I will strike. It's _my_ turn now.' A yawn escaped him… 'After a nap.' Another yawn. 'A _long_ nap.'


	7. Chuckles Strikes, but Snape Strikes Back

Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I'm impatiently awaiting book 6. I wish it were here. *WWAAAHHH!!!! sniff* I'm okay now.

A/N: I'm sorry this has taken so long, I've rewritten this twice, and though I'm not completely satisfied with it, I thought y'all might revolt if I took any longer. So! Here you go. Also, I NEED HELP! I need more tricks for Snape to play on Hermione, so any ideas are appreciated. Thanks guys! R&R

Chapter 6

Date: Tuesday, November 7, one month, two weeks, and four days since the start of Operation Annoy Snape.

Allies: Hermione Anne Granger, Ronald Leon Weasley, and Harry James Potter

Enemy: Professor Severus Antonius Snape.

Ally Mission: Annoy Snape whilst avoiding detention.

Mission Difficulty: Almost Impossible.

Mission Phase: Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'

~ ~ ~

Lovable, cuddly, adorable, sweet, charming, cute, precious, darling. These are _not_ words that came to mind when one thought of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's most infamous teacher since Lorna Fristin's nefarious temper tantrum in 1589 when the fiery Transfiguration teacher turned the past headmaster into a Scottish terrier. And yet here was a remnant of his childhood. The small, spiky, childlike handwriting declaring woe to anyone who would dare harm his beloved toy.

Not that anyone actually believed it was his of course. The 'War between the Wits' was common knowledge among the Gryffindors, and once Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown knew something, the entire of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade knew something. But still, everyone laughed at the idea of Snape playing with the cute brown teddy before them. The entire school watched as Snape walked through the Great Halls large double doors…and froze.

~ ~ ~ 

It was the perfect bear. Worn, with patches here and there, light brown with pink paws and nose. Not to mention the baby-doll like eyes, you know the kind where you lay the doll down and the eyes close, then you pick them up and they 'wake up'? That's the ones. Then there's the smile. Wide but closed-mouthed, utterly innocent looking. The little monster practically screamed "Pick me up and squeeze me! I'm adorable!" How utterly revolting that people would actually think it was his.

He would never have looked closely at the accursed thing if it hadn't been for the whispers. Thanks to many: points lost, detentions given, and outright intimidation techniques, the open speculation about his color change had stopped after the first two days. '_She would think of something like this. Little brat_.' If it had merely been whispers among the students it might not have been so bad, but even the staff had noticed the idiotic thing and were holding back their sniggers.

There it was, magically suspended above the middle of the Great Hall, a large sign beneath it proclaiming in a child-like hand that was surprisingly quite similar to his own 'My name is Chuckles and I belong to Severus so DON'T TOUCH ME or you will be VERY SORRY!' 

"Oh my God, this is not happening," Snape murmured as Dumbledore strolled up to him, eyes twinkling, "Headmaster, please tell me this isn't happening! First the stupid little girl hugs me and tells me happy birthday, and then the Weasley pup asks how old I am, then Potter drools, **DROOLS** I tell you, in an extremely delicate potion and turns me green, and now…please tell me that I am having a nightmare and I will wake up tomorrow for the start of term feast! I do not understand her motivation for so utterly humiliating me, but I will not stand it any longer!"

His voice had become more and more frantic and by the end he was almost openly panicking (which for a spy is a very big thing you know). Dumbledore, who had started out amused, gave his colleague a concerned look. "Come now Severus, surely you don't think those other things happened by plot. They were only accidents. This, I grant you is intentional, but the rest I'm sure is completely coincidental."

Snape calmed as Dumbledore spoke. He knew better than to believe the old man of course, the Headmaster loved mischief more than anything else in the world and was no doubt amused by the situation, but he knew that loosing his control would do no good. He nodded, and Dumbledore, satisfied that Severus was all right, left the Hall.

Snape turned slowly toward the Gryffindor table. Only three people in the school would have dared to do this, and only one of them had the charms expertise required to pull it off. And she was smirking at him. '_How dare she!_' He thought furiously, '_How dare she humiliate me in such a way and then have the gall to not even look afraid afterwards? And she's copying my smirk! That, that…_' Then he calmed and smirked back at her. After all, she appeared to have drunk all of her pumpkin juice this morning. He had felt a twinge of guilt when he gave the potion to the house elves; after all, she was a defenseless student. '_Defenseless my arse_' he snorted to himself, he would certainly not be feeling guilt about utterly humiliating her or her friends any time soon. Their first class would be Transfiguration with McGonagall; he only wished he could watch, as it should be quite…fascinating.

~ ~ ~

"Good morning class."

"Good morning Professor McGonagall." They echoed back at her. The three friends had taken their usual places – near the back, but still close enough that Hermione could hear and see well. 

"Today we will be completing our study of animagi, please pass your reports to the front. Quite Mr. Pratchet, Miss Hoffman." 

"Omigosh! Can you believe that old bat's face when he came in the hall this morning? It was like, soooo hilarious!"

Everyone turned slowly in disbelief towards Hermione. She had her hands clasped over her mouth, eyes wide, face red. "What did you say, Miss Granger?" asked the incredulous Transfiguration teacher. "Miss Granger! Take your hands from across your mouth and explain!"

Hermione reluctantly took her hands from her mouth, which then began talking without any encouragement from her and resisting all attempts to stop it. "Snape was just so funny, can you believe that teddy-bear? Hehehe. You know this room would look a lot better if it was painted pink, this cream color is _so_ overrated. That robe really suits you though professor, although, if you want my advice, get a new hat, green really isn't your color. And did you know that"

"THAT IS ENOUGH! Really! What has gotten into you Miss Granger? Ten points from Gryffindor, and I suggest you keep quite Miss Granger." McGonagall turned back toward the board, ready to point out some of the finer points of becoming an animagus.

Hermione kept her hands firmly over her mouth the entire class period, then as soon as it was over raced away to the infirmary, leaving Harry and Ron to gather her books for her.

~ ~ ~

"Well, you _have_ gotten on someone's nerves, haven't you?" at Hermione's confused look Madame Pomfrey explained, "A babbling potion I'm afraid dear. I must say, I wouldn't think any student in the school would be able to make it except you; it's pretty difficult and not in the usual syllabus. But I suppose if someone looked in the right place they could find the recipe." Madame Pomfrey continued her one-sided matronly dialogue as she bustled about Hermione. She placed a silencing charm on Hermione so that she would not disturb the other patients, but other than that there was nothing she could do, the potion would simply have to run it's course. "Don't worry though dear, it should be finished in a day or two at the most."

It would seem that Snape strengthened the brew however, as Hermione's lips kept moving silently for another four days. However, she opted to go to class instead of hiding away in the infirmary. In every class her head would be down, writing notes, her mouth propelling on a mile a minute. Potions was the only exception. She would finish her potion before the rest, as always, then sit and glare at the smirking teacher swooping about the room while Harry and Ron gave them both sympathetic looks. Hermione because she was talking silently nonstop, and Snape because they both knew Hermione wouldn't rest till Snape had experienced utter humiliation. 

Mione's mouth was unbelievably sore for all of two weeks after the episode. She continued to glare at Snape, who continued to smirk at her. Snape waited for her to make the next move, and she plotted. Harry and Ron had both unceremoniously bowed out of the contest unless they were needed in extreme emergency, after all as Harry so aptly put it, "It's a personal war between the two of you now Mione. If you need us though, we'll be there."

'_Well, we'll just see who laughs last _Professor _Snape. We'll just see. Next stop, operation Secret Admirer._'


	8. Young love and chocolates

Disclaimer: "Don't spear me!" I do not own either Harry Potter or Ice Age.

A/N: I'm sorry guys, I'm really busy right now. I'm babysitting daily, have school, and am also trying to practice for the ACT test. Plus my last month has been booked with Drama performances. I'll try to do better.

Jemma Blackwell: Yeah, she is rather gutsy, isn't she? Don't worry, I plan on letting Hermione have a few underhanded schemes of her own.

Charmed88: I love the idea Kala, but a love potion itself would be to obvious since Snape's Potions Master, but I think I can come up with a spin off of it…

Le Masque: I'm glad you like it, just remember it's the insane people like us who truly rule the world *wink*

Crystal56: Once again, my muse! I love the idea with the chandelier, and I know I keep saying this, but water is coming soon. It's all going to start with Snape giving Mione a detention…but I'm not saying anything else *wicked smile* 

Thank you, all for your revs. I still need ideas for Snape to pull on Hermy. R&R! Love and Cheers!

Chapter 7

Date: Thursday, November 23.

Allies: Hermione Anne Granger with H. Potter and R. Weasley for emergency backup.

Mission: Operation Secret Admirer

~ ~ ~ 

As the owl post swooped in after breakfast, three pairs of eyes watched for one particular bird. A small, sweet, fuzzy, little black owl with golden eyes and a cute little 'hoot' of acknowledgement. It arrived almost last; winging it's way towards its unsuspecting victim with a single red rose and a note in its claws. It landed delicately next to the tall dark man, the original six eyes and then some now watching with curiosity. Politely taking the bacon piece that the unpleasant looking man offered, the owl rose and flew away.

Severus Snape stared at the note and rose sitting before his plate. Staff and students alike were craning their necks around trying to see his reaction to the gift. This would be better done privately, but as he had a feeling that it was from the Granger chit he would open it here and possibly have the opportunity to send a message. Thus decided, he unfolded the note.

__

Good Morning Severus, no doubt you can guess who I am, but they can't, can they? I'm taking this opportunity to secure you in advance for my valentine, I hope that will not be disagreeable to you. I do hope you'll attend the feast. Be prepared for many surprises. Oh, one more thing.

I just wanted to console you about the DADA job again this year, a great pity, wasn't it? 

With love from,

Your Secret Admirer

He snorted indelicately, '_Secret admirer indeed. More like a secret demon from hell. How in the world the chit found the gall to call me by my first name is beyond me._' He resisted looking at the Gryffindor table and instead, ignoring the eyes around the Hall watching him, set the paper on fire and calmly finished his breakfast. Let her send her roses and her notes. He would be able to quash any speculation on the subject by being his nasty self, and it would save him the trip to the Hogsmeade apothecary when he needed dried rose petals.

~ ~ ~ 

Roses of all colors were sent through the next week, although no more notes accompanied them. Blue, yellow, purple, pink, orange, red, and black – no poor hybrid escaped. On the second week, the candy started. This was fine with him. Honeydukes chocolates in addition to simpler, but tasty in a different way, muggle ones. He had a soft spot for chocolate, although he didn't plan on letting Miss Granger find that out, no doubt she start sending something like cockroach clusters or something equally repulsive. 

During the third week however, the novelty had completely worn off. The whispers among the staff and students about how 'Snape had finally got some' disgusted him; but none of the students, even those in his own house, were stupid enough to ask or congratulate him about it. If only the faculty were as cowed in his presence. Minerva, Poppy and Ermengarde smirked and tittered when they talked about him, ('_They actually think I wouldn't notice that they keep glancing at me and giggling? Any hint of romance seems to turn normally sensible witches silly_.') 

But that was nothing to the more…forward…approach of the Madams Tralawney and Hooch. Hooch, who never had the proper decorum even when not armed with a juicy piece of gossip, gave him a hearty wink every time he came into the staff room and would ask him, in not-so-subtle language, if 'his lady' was good to him. To which he would always reply the negative; saying he had no idea who was sending the bloody things or even if it was a woman at all. Tralawney was worse, going out of her way to intercept him – especially in front of other staff – and going into 'trances' and predicting all manner of tripe. One of the more absurd was that he would be married within the next five years after saving his sweetheart's life, would have seven children and that the first would be a boy whom he would name Albus. He was almost positive Dumbledore had paid her off.

It was almost fun while it lasted, but it was now way past time for him to begin his personal retribution. Besides, she had stopped sending chocolate and was now sending pink daisies. To him! The idea would have been revolting enough even if he hadn't been allergic. It was _definitely_ time to repay a few debts.

The babbling potion had been fun, but it would take something a little…subtler this time. She had been very carefully checking all her food and drink since the incident, and anyhow it wouldn't do to continue with complicated potions that could be limited to the ability of only two people in the school. He could think of a few ways though. Detention to start with, then, hmm…perhaps if she were required to test a concoction? Make her crow like a rooster? No, no to first year – he needed something that would really get to her…something to make her cringe. Well, when in doubt, think like a Slytherin. What motivated her? Where did she spend her time? What things did she hold sacred? What amused her? What terrified her? He must find all this out. Then he would be able to strike close to heart and she would never presume to try to outwit him again.

Severus Snape strode out of the dungeon toward the staff room for the end of month meeting, no doubt to be snickered and glanced at. Where he would drink oodles of tea and hide in his comfortable armchair in the dark little corner by the fire as he glared at any fellow colleagues who dared try to converse with him. Many might find such a thing depressing; it said rather sad things about his life really that he'd been doing this since he was twenty-one. But really – he had a war to plan with a worthy adversary, while not at all being actually life-threatening, and he had a chance to take out his temper in more ways than taking points and giving detentions to sniveling brats who didn't deserve the attention. In all honestly he hadn't felt better in years. To his horror he realized he was smiling, obviously scaring a passing Hufflepuff. _Stupid little blighter_. He quickly rearranged his face back into his perpetual scowl as he swept into the staff room. 

~ ~ ~ 


	9. A Month of Detentions Bully!

Disclaimer: It's not mine. Well, I mean, it _is_ mine, but just the story. Not the characters or setting.

A/N: Welcome everyone to chapter eight! *Audience screams and cheers* Yes, yes, I know you all thought I'd forgotten my poor story. I apologize, I'm having a hard time working on it right now because of all the studying I'm doing for my college asset test. To put it quite bluntly, I'm brain dead. I hope that this chappy is sufficiently inspired though, I'm rather pleases with it. : ) Toodles! R&R

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Chapter 8

It is very ironic that the true key to defeating an enemy is to know them, sometimes better than they knew themselves. He did not know how she found out that he was allergic to daisies, but it was obvious she had found out somehow and then she had used her knowledge against him. Now he must do the same. He knew more about her than she would ever guess. Her greatest fear was heights, her favorite color was a dark sapphire blue, her dearest love was books of any kind, she enjoyed eating something he had heard her raving about to Weasley – A 'Big Mac' – whatever that was. Yes, Hermione Granger would pay. She would pay dearly. Her flowers or candy were still delivered once a week, but that didn't bother him. Oh no, not at all. Smirking evilly he swept onward down the halls.

~ ~ ~ 

Sitting in his office was a rather smug looking prankster. She was not repentant. He knew it had not been an accident, and she knew that he knew it. Oh well, it was worth it to see Severus Snape circling bewilderedly.

*Flashback*

"…should be adding the shredded bat's spleens now you incompetent twit! You have completely ruined…"

Hermione tuned Snape's ranting out and peacefully continued making her potion. After fifth year had weeded Neville Longbottom from the Potions class she had worked alone, and oh how much more serene it was. Once you learned not to pay attention to Snape's blustering that is.

"Miss Granger," Her head jerked up at the deceptively silky purr, "would you mind ceasing that infernal racket?"

"Sir?"

"Your humming Miss Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor for needless hubbub."

"But sir! I was only…"

"Twenty points for talking back! Keep it up Miss Granger and it will be detention."

The Slytherins snickered at this while the Gryffindors glared at her for having lost so many points. Oh well. She had so much bigger fish to fry, although she wouldn't mind giving that ferret Malfoy a wallop.

Class continued quite normally for the next half-hour. Snape slinking around, giving points to Slytherin and grabbing any excuse to disconcert the Gryffindors, checking everyone's progress. Hermione kept her eye on him as she worked and waited patiently for him to check her potion. Finally he prowled back to her area. He leaned down to inspect her work and…Hermione quickly grabbed her wand, placed it between his eyes and shouted 'LUMOS!'.

The class was instantly thrown into chaos. Snape cried out and stepped back into Pansy Parkinson's desk, tipping it over and splashing the boiling concoction over half the class. The class was screaming and Snape was stumbling around clutching at his eyes, obviously unable to see a thing.

"OUT! OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!" He was roaring, spinning around as students rushed by him, his arms flailing, "And YOU GRANGER!" pointing wildly in several directions as he tried to find Hermione through the light spots floating before his eyes, "report yourself to my office at 8 o'clock tonight for the WORST PUNISHMENT OF YOUR LIFE!"

*Flashback end*

Ah yes, that had been fun. He would make her pay dearly for it of course, but nothing could ever wipe that memory from her brain. Nothing.

~ ~ ~ 

She had come early, the impertinent chit! That half-grown female had the cheek to show up in his office and beat him there! Bloody hell, was he losing his fear inspiring touch? No, it couldn't be, he still could reduce Draco Malfoy to jelly if he cared to. No, it must just be her. Blast.

"Miss Granger, I believe I said eight o'clock, not seven till. Seven points from Gryffindor, one for each moment early."

"Yes Professor Snape." She answered dutifully. Snape glared at her suspiciously. '_Cheeky brat. Merlin's beard but she's a pain._'

"Your task shall be to resort _those_ potions over there," he nodded toward a high dungeon shelf where a ladder was leaning. "Do try to get it right. As soon as you are finished you may go."

He settled himself at his desk to mark papers, leaving a very unhappy and ashen Hermione Granger looking at the rather rickety ladder he had left her with.

~ ~ ~

"Now then Miss Granger, I assume you know severity of your offence? Such obvious impertinence towards a professor of this school is more than sufficient grounds for expulsion." Hermione's face paled. '_Surely he wouldn't_…' "Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall were prepared, though reluctantly, to take such measures. However, as I am the antagonized protégé the final word was left to me. I do hope that you are subtler in the future. Dismissed."

Hermione blinked. '_What just happened here? Did Snape just say that he kept me from being expelled? No way! That must mean he's actually_…_enjoying this?!_'

"Are you waiting from an engraved invitation to Gryffindor tower Miss Granger? Because if you are I doubt it will be forthcoming as it is after one o'clock in the morning. The only ones who might possibly up would be the Boy-Who-Still-Lives and his ridiculous sidekick, and between the two of them I doubt they have the brains to write an invite."

Still stunned by her discovery Hermione merely nodded dumbly and left the dungeons.

~ ~ ~

That had gone well. Hermione had been scared stiff on the tall ladder all night. No doubt she would have a terribly stiff back in the morning. It was not enough, but it was a start and, after all, she did have a month's worth detentions with various teachers and with Filch. He would have another crack at her armor later.

Snape replaced himself at his desk with a wicked smirk. '_Oh dear, it seems I've forgotten to give Miss Granger her excuse slip incase she runs into Filch at this late hour. What a shame. She may very well end up with _another_ detention. Pity._'

And then…he laughed.


	10. Bad Hair Day

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Chapter 9

Argus Filch had never had such a good time as he had the last two weeks leading up to Christmas. The annoying little know-it-all witch had served her first couple of weeks detentions with her teachers, but the rest had been his and he certainly wasn't going to go easy on her, unlike _some_ of her teachers. Well, all of them but Snape. Seemed most of them were rather amused at the situation; McGonagall had even given the girl tea, _tea_ for heaven's sake! Unfortunately it was all over; Christmas, bloody, nasty holiday that it was, had rolled around again and Granger's detentions were over as of tonight. Bloody unfair really, he was just getting used to getting to pick on her every night. "Awful little witch will think twice about crossing Professor Snape again, eh Missus Norris?"

Filch walked chuckling into his office, and stopped short at his desk. There on top was a present. He cautiously reached a hand out toward it, then quickly pulled of the bow and jumped cringing to the side, ready to run if anything looked even remotely like blowing up. After a moment he uncovered his eyes, and there they were. Filch grabbed a handful of what looked like strawberry-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. They were actually vomit-flavored, but Hermione was very good with color-changing charms.

Of course, he didn't know that…Yet.

Any other day Hermione would have been more careful. Any other day she would have been suspicious. Really though, who pulled a downright _mean_ trick on Christmas Day? '_Severus blood-sucking Snape, that's who,_' thought Hermione grimly as she looked in the mirror. '_Can't play a _nice_ little prank like mine, can he? NNNoooooo. _He_ has to do _this_!_'

Flashback

"Professor?"

She hadn't been looking for him, but really, what student expects their professor to be in the library on Christmas morning? She wouldn't be here herself if she didn't have to research an antidote to the prank Fred and George had sent Ron this morning. She and Harry had been wise enough not to open theirs, but Ron…well, Ron was already quite tired of having elephant ears.

Snape looked up from the book he was reading. "What is it, Miss Granger?" Then his face darkened, "What exactly are you doing here on Christmas morning? Did you forget to give your friend the library a gift? Or perhaps it forgot to give you yours. In that case, I'd forget it, libraries can have terrible memories you know."

'_Well isn't someone in a bad mood. Am I surprised? Hmm…no._' "I just came to see if I could find a counter-spell to one of the Weasley's pranks. I was surprised to see you here, though." She lifted an eyebrow at him, obviously curious.

Snape smirked. "Which prank? They have hundreds, or dare I say thousands? Striped teeth perhaps? Or maybe more of their infernal canary creams ?"

'_Snape wants to…chat? Whoa! Slow down, rewind, and get a psychologist in the building. One of the occupants in the library must have gone crazy. Actually, I am feeling slightly dizzy…'_

"Um…well, actually it was, uh, elephant ears sir." Snape blinked and stared at her. "That is, they charmed their present to curse the opener with elephant ears."

Snape continued to stare at her. What was wrong with him? "Sir?" He abruptly snapped out of whatever trance he'd been in.

"Well, you're in luck Miss Granger. The charm happens to be in this book, _143 Humiliating Curses_." He flipped a few pages back. "I actually was considering it for you, but decided against it." He gave her a slight smirk that would have been his equivalent of a smile.

Hermione was staring at him. He was joking with her. She _was_ crazy.

"Miss Granger? If you actually _want _the counter-spell, I suggest you actually look at the book. Hmm?" He was almost grinning at her now. He kept looking at her in a strange way. "Oh for Merlin's sake! Fine! I'll read it for you. The spell you're looking for is _Aures Naturalis_. Now get out of here and go disturb someone else's peace." With that he turned back to where he had been and began reading once more.

"Uh, thank you sir." She still didn't walk away. Dare she ask? … "Uh, sir?"

"What is it, Granger?" Snape snapped, obviously annoyed at being interrupted once more.

"Um, why did you decide not to give me elephant ears? Just curious of course," she added quickly.

Snape smirked. "Simple, Miss Granger. With your mess of hair, no one would ever have seen them."

Hermione gasped in indignation, swung around and marched out of the library…for a moment. Snape had watched her go with satisfaction before turning back to his book, and he didn't see her sneak quietly back in a couple of moments later.

'_Oh, you have picked the wrong fight this time!_' She cautiously picked a spot behind one of the shelves where she could see him, but he couldn't see her. Aiming carefully, she muttered one of the advanced color-changing spells Professor Flitwick had taught her. She had never used it on anything alive before but…it worked. Good.

A satisfied Hermione Granger snuck back out of the library, and walked confidently to Gryffindor tower. If it hadn't been Christmas there would have been students everywhere, but almost everyone was at home with their families. She didn't see anyone all the way back. When she climbed up the stairs to the boy's dorm she saw Harry and Ron's faces. "Hey guys," she said, smiling. "I've got the answer Ron." They just kept staring at her. "Guys?"

Both glanced at each other, then back to Hermione, and swallowed. "Uh, Mione, did you see Snape anywhere?" Harry asked nervously.

Her brow furrowed in confusion, she replied, "Well, yeah actually. He was in the library. He helped me find the counter-curse. He kept looking at me really funny to. Like he was trying not to smile. What's going on you guys?" She asked, suddenly angry.

The boys glanced at each other again. "Um, well," Ron stuttered, "J-just, uh, turn around and, uh, l-look at the mirror."

Hermione spun around and stopped in horror. Her face was in the mirror…but her hair was gone. She was bald.

End Flashback

He would pay. He would _so_ pay! She snickered suddenly, causing Harry and Ron to look at each other apprehensively. '_I wonder if my dear friend has discovered _his_ new style yet._' "Don't worry guys, I'll get the counter-curse. It's got to be in the library."

"Do you want any help looking?" asked Harry.

"Are you sure you wouldn't mind?"

"Well, as long as you don't make us skip out on the food." Harry joked.

"It's a deal. I really appreciate it you guys."

"What are friends for?" said Ron. "Uh, Mione?"

"Yeah, Ron?"

"You really aren't going to make us skip dinner, right?"

Severus Snape practically fled back to his dungeon when he was certain Miss Granger would be back in Gryffindor tower, making sure he kept his book with him. He didn't want her to be able to find it. He rushed into his room, sealed the door…and howled with laughter. She didn't have a clue! The poor, innocent little fool had no clue! She had looked hilarious!

When she had come into the library, at first he had been put out, but then realized he could use the situation to his advantage. He had chatted with her a little, putting her off her guard. One thing he knew about Granger: however much she may claim to hate her hair, she was actually quite proud of it. It was different, and made her stand out. She was vain about her hair, no doubt. He had just found the perfect little curse, and nothing was easier than to zap her quietly from under his book while she babbled about the Weasley boy's predicament.

Still chuckling, he made his way to the bedroom where his personal library was kept. As he entered, the mirror on his wall started wheezing. He hated wizard mirrors. They make to much noise. He turned to glare it into silence…and froze.

He hated her. She was the most brazen, impudent, irresponsible, disrespectful, insolent little…little…female that he had ever met! Brat! Beast! Wench! Hate was not a strong enough word. He _abhorred_ her.

His hair was hot pink.


	11. Attack of the Killer Eyebrows

A:N/ Well…Here it is. Yes, I know, FINALLY! Feel free to throw sticks, stones, and broken bottles at my poor body. : ) I hope you all like it, and I'm open to suggestions for what come's next. It's a mystery to me, but maybe not to some of you?… Anywho, R&R, and on with the show!

Disclaimer: I own very little except for some outragously priced college textbooks. These characters belong to J.K. Rowling, however, the plot belongs to _moi._ Please don't take it from me : )

**Chapter 10**

They would ask where he was later of course, but the only way he would _ever_ go to Christmas dinner this year was if He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named raised from his grave and exercised _Crucio_ on him all the way to the staff table. Besides, no doubt Granger would be in the library; he would scare her into fixing his hair and then make up a suitable excuse for not showing up to be smirked at by his female colleagues (who still had not let up about his 'admirer').

He had spent nine hours, _nine hours_, trying to undo the little wench's color job, and the only thing he'd managed to accomplish was to horribly splotch his hair into a lopsided, multi-colored pink instead of sheer hot pink. Charms had never been his best subject – he'd been all to happy to be able to drop it after OWLS had passed. He peered out the door to determine whether anyone was in the hall. Luckily, all the students had either departed Hogwarts for Christmas break, or those left had already gathered to stuff themselves and pull crackers at dinner. Now was the perfect time to track down Granger and make her pay.

* * *

Hermione sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. She felt more exhausted than she ever had. Numerous trips to the infirmary, playing nursemaid to Hagrid's brother Grawp, turning herself into some sort of cat person with a botched Polyjuice Potion; none of it compared to the amount of mental anguish and strain she had poured into the library today. _'Well, maybe it compared…but still!'_ she thought grimly. It was only the second time the library had ever let her down. There seemed to be nothing about horrible curses that turned people bald in _any_ of the books, tomes, or scrolls stuffing the shelves; the only thing that had come close was a pledge charm that swore that if the pledge was broken the offender's hair would fall out.

Groaning, Hermione pulled herself out of her chair and walked back to the bookshelf to find a new prospect. She wished the boys had stayed to help, but she couldn't blame them for not wanting to miss Christmas dinner; and after all, they had stayed to help her for over six hours before leaving to help Luna Lovegood banish "Wightle-Fitted Monges" from the mistletoe all over the castle. _'Honestly, some people will believe anything,'_ she thought, _'It's been almost two hours though. I have the feeling Harry and Ron took their time "banishing" the Monges for her.' _She glanced at her watch; almost five o'clock. Dinner would start at six, but there was _no way_ _in blazes_ she was going like _this._

'_Hmm…_Beauty for the Older Witch or Wizard: Look Younger, Hipper, and Stylish without Dangourous Spells. _What a title. Sheesh. What's this doing in the school library, anyway? They'd better have some hair-thickening spells in here._

After skimming through the mind-numbing book for over thirty minutes, she struck gold.

"If you're hair is thinning out, or you're going bald, don't panic!" she read out loud, "Just take a deep breath," she unconciously breathed heavily, "and use this spell to have your own hair naturally (with a little help) duplicate itself to cover you in your former glory. See the diagram for the proper 'swish and flick' method, and say _Prudocere kashaer. _In no time at all, your own beautiful locks will once again be covering your head."

'_Well, that sounds promising.' _Without further ado, Hermione twisted her wand in the figure-eight path required and uttered the fatal words. She heard a gasp seconds later, but everything had suddenly gone dark, and she couldn't see anything.

"Miss Granger!"

* * *

Severus had practically sprinted to get to the library before anyone saw him. He had almost run right into Potter, Weasley, and that odd Lovegood girl. After that Minerva had come strolling by in her animagus form – he'd thought he was done for then. She'd stopped and sniffed, as if she could smell him, but then continued by his hiding place. Just when he thought the insanity was over, he'd come into the library to see Hermione Granger (bald head shining) pronounce a Hair Growing charm on her head.

He'd gasped and unthinkingly blurted out her name before he could stop himself as her eyebrows immideately started growing at such a rapid face that her face was covered in a matter of seconds. _'Didn't the silly chit realize that you had to _have_ hair before you could make it grow?'_ Apparently she hadn't, but she certainly did now.

"Miss Granger! What have you done?!" Hermione jumped and turned blindly toward the sound of his voice.

"Ahdidedo gowma hereba, uh ibin wowk."

Snape almost laughed out loud at how ridiculous she sounded. If it weren't for the gravity of the situation, he probably would have – reputation or not. It wasn't everyday a stuffy Gryffindor prefect accidently replicated her eyebrows. Unfortunately, at the rate Granger's hair was multiplying, suffication was a very real danger.

Hermione suddenly began dashing about in little spurts, first in one way, then the other. She bumped into numerous chairs before Snape realized that she was trying to keep her ankle-length eyebrows from twisting around her legs and immobilising her completely.

"Will you be still?!" _'No, of course you won't.'_ "Miss Granger! If you don't be still and tell me the counter-spell then I will be unable to help you!"

"Ahdome bodah outerell!" the scurrying hairball wailed.

"What?!"

"_Ah dome _boh _dah outer ell!_" it repeated.

"Wait a minute." Snape performed a small trimming charm around the area of Hermione's mouth. _'That way, she won't suffocate, and I can gloat longer about her predicament.' _"Now, kindly say that again."

"I don't _know_ the counter-spell!" came the exasperated reply.

"You don't know the counter-spell?! You _stupidly_ preformed a potentially dangerous" a shriek of outrage tried to interupt him, but he ignored it, "spell without even the slightest idea what the counter-spell was? That, Miss Granger, is idiotic even for you. That is, in fact, moronic for even a Hufflepuff. If you hadn't _accidentally_ ruined your hair in the first place you wouldn't have…"

He might have continued his verbal abuse, had not a creature resembling a giant nuffler with a _very_ bad hair day flung itself at him angrily. _'Apparently she doesn't think her bald head was her fault.'_ Hermion was sputtering with rage…actually, she might have been talking, but Snape couldn't tell since it was already low-pitched, plus filtered through facial hair.

"OW! HOW DARE YOU BITE ME! OW! What's wrong with you, you little…furball! OW! Don't kick me!" Snape tried desprately to shove the infuriated student off of him, but to no avail. "Listen to me you little," Snape suddenly groaned and curled defensively into as much of a ball as he could manage. "That wasn't fair!" he whimpered.

Hermione momentarily halted her onslaught, giving Severus a chance to yank her eyebrows and twist. Hermione howled briefly, but retaliated twisting one of his ears fiercely. "OOOWWWW! If you don't stop I'll see you suspended Hermione Granger!" A yank on _his_ hair actually dislodged several greasy strands in Hermione's fist. "YOUCH!! THAT DOES IT FURBALL! I'M ALERTING THE HEADMASTER!"

The attack ended as apbruptly as it had begun, with both of them panting for breath. Furball…er…Hermione was perched on top Snape – pinning him to the ground – with his finger between her teeth, ready to bite down.

"That's better. Now, kindly remover your hair-covered self from my chest and I'll help you find that counter-spell."

She glared at him, but Hermione tried to get up – really she did. Snape could tell because the rigor of her attempted exit jostled him severly. The trouble was, while they had been wrestling on the floor, Hermione's eyebrows had continued to grow. If she had been standing straight, they probably would have covered the distance to the library door. As it was, however, they had wrapped around the two of them in a cacoon of … well, eyebrow hair. The two of them exchanged a horrified look as they grasped what had happened.

The feast had only just begun. None of the staff would come looking for him, and the boys wouldn't come until the feast had ended – and would dawdle even then. They were stuck – on the floor, with eyebrow hair continually growing and wrapping around them – for at least three hours.

'_This is not my day.'_

"Miss Granger."

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you know what I want for Christmas?"

Hermione stared at him in bewilderment. "Uh, no sir. What?"

"I want…TO BLOODY MURDER YOU!"

After the initial jump of shock, Hermione grew thoughtful and muttered something under her breath that Severus didn't quite catch.

"What was that, Miss Granger?"

"I said, 'That's preferable to sitting on chest for three hours or more,' sir."

"Shut up, furball." He took an asinine pleasure in her indignant gasp.


End file.
